


This is Just Shoddy Workmanship

by SilverServerError



Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty
Genre: Body Horror, Canon-Typical Violence, Other, Things will get weird in part two., eye fucking, ish?, it's not that bad, no, past Stanchez - Freeform, the other type of eye fucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 22:58:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6170038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverServerError/pseuds/SilverServerError
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone picked the wrong day to fuck with Rick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Has this been done yet?

Rick was an expert in a lot of things, but what he could really use right now was some way to forget. He was good at that too, but only in the temporary way where you paid for it during the come down. And as much as he wished he wasn’t, he was a pathetic ex and would maybe possibly check up on Gravity Falls every once in a while. He’d seen right through the blind eye bullshit and their memory gun.

 

But there was forgetting and then there was _forgetting_.

 

Maybe he’d be ready tomorrow.

 

For now he’d stick to space mescaline. It was a lot like regular mescaline except more. Especially when he was the one cooking.

 

But the perfect high needed to be pared with the perfect horror terror dimension. Which found Rick teleporting into this hot mess. He was already pretty far-gone, so who could say how much of the acidic neon in the sky was his retinal neuroreceptors shorting out and how much was really there. The purple magma ground was probably just his optic system getting too lazy to hold solid shapes. That… Aww gross… That thing with all the legs and mucus and teeth running towards him was probably in his head.

 

And if it wasn’t…

 

At least it would be a cool way to die.

 

Not like a bitch back home.

 

Rick watched in detached fascination as it pounded toward him, ground reverberating under his feet. That didn’t really mean anything. He should know better than most that the mind will trick you when it wants to believe in something. He turned his head away, closing his eyes and bracing for impact.

 

Which came from 90 degrees in the wrong direction and ended with him crushed under an elbow to the ribcage and his knee at a funny angle. He laughed. Without the space mescaline he’d probably be feeling that.

 

A blaster discharge at the rampaging beast caught Rick’s attention and he watched in mild interest as it imploded into dust.

 

He looked up at the weight crushing him and wanted to throw up.

 

Scratch that.

 

Pushed it off of him, rolled over and _did_ throw up.

 

“Fuck, Stan.” He spat the last of it out on the ground and rolled back to a clean spot.

 

Stan wearily raised the blaster. “How do you know my name?”

 

Ok. So hallucinogenics were a bad idea. In hindsight Rick maybe should have realized that taking them while you’re already thinking about your ex essentially 24/7 would inevitably lead to this. This whole, ‘Who are you’ business was something he didn’t feel like contemplating too hard. Freud might have something to say about it but Freud was an idiot, so…

 

But…

 

Wasn’t he allowed to be happy? At least here by himself. In his own delusions. For even just a little bit? Tomorrow. Tomorrow he’d use the memory gun and this would stop and everything would be fine.

 

But for today…

 

One last time…

 

Stan was approaching him, kneeling down above him and it was the simplest thing to reach out to wrap his arms around those familiar broad shoulders. But instead he was pinned to the ground with an arm across his neck and a finger pulling up an eyelid to check his pupil.

 

Apparently not even his sub-conscious thought he deserved happiness. The familiar weight was a little nice in a tear-out-your-heart-painful sort of way.

 

“Jesus. You’re even judgy when I dream you.”

 

But as Stan studied Rick, Rick studied Stan. The glasses were wrong. The hair off. Even high, he’d never misremembered him like this. Now that he thought about it, the voice was a lot less grating than normal and… Rick reached up and took the hand at his eye, lacing their fingers together and glancing down.

 

Six fingers.

 

With a growl he let go their hands and worked a leg up between them. With a shove of his foot the Stan projection was stumbling back. Rick stood up to brush himself off, yelling to the sky. “Low blow, guys!” He was flipping off the horizon. “If you’d have asked, I’d have may-urrrp-be given you a discount, b- but you think you can fucking steal from me, motherfuckers!? Un-uh! You- You fucked with the wrong guy.”

 

Behind him the projection was sputtering like they always did when he caught the Zigerions out. “Who are you talking to? You’re not making any sense! Please, you’re the first person who hasn’t been possessed and I need your-”

 

Rick turned to it with a grimace. “Holy shit, just SHUT UP.” He raised the gun he had holstered at his side but at the last second changed his aim to the shoulder. Even hypothetically he couldn’t do it. He’d gone fucking soft. He rolled his eyes as the projection collapsed in pain and blood gushed through the fingers of his other hand as he tried to stem the flow. The blood ran and even stained the toe of his black leather shoes. It didn’t show up but he could feel it slippery under his foot.

 

“What, so you’ll animate fluid mechanics but you can’t count to five?” Again he was addressing some unseen audience. “Weak.” Rick didn’t look back as he walked away leaving a trail of fading red footprints.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's really EARN that 'other' tag.

“Hey there, stranger! What’s your hurry? Why don’t you slow down for a while?” As Rick turned around the simulation wound down to a pause and the colors faded to grayscale. The only thing left in color was a single floating yellow triangle. Whoever had programmed it clearly hadn’t given a shit (even the voice software was cheap and tinny sounding), but at least had the sense of humor to give it stick arms and legs, a hat and a bow tie. It’s single eye was a weird sort of friendly.

 

“Ho boy! W-What are you supposed to be? Is it- is it bring your kid to work day or are you hacking in from your mom’s basement? Wh-who let you past quality control?”

 

“Ha ha. Good one! YOU FINISHED YET?” The triangle grew huge and red with fire burned along its eyelid before he snapped back down to his normal size.

 

There had been too many separate parts tracking independently. And the fire animation had actually been really convincing. He even felt a little warm. It was a nice touch. Ok so maybe he’d been too hasty. The programmer _did_ give a shit but left the avatar ironically simple in a ‘fuck you’ sort of way.

 

He could respect that.

 

“No wait…How about… Uh…” Rick searched. “Wait yeah, I’m done.”

 

“Great! I thought we could have a little chat.”

 

“Seriously, are you just code or is there someone on the other end here?”

 

“Oh, I’m alive buddy. In ways you probably couldn’t even comprehend.”

 

“Yeah,” Rick asked, bored. “Try me.”

 

With the flick of a wrist the triangle brought up walls of glowing blue equations hanging in space. They started from a different point of view as his own work but it was clear where they were going. Floating all around him were things Rick thought only he had figured out. They went reeeeal deep down the metaphysical rabbit hole. He wandered along them appreciatively until something caught his eye. He reached out and found the blue to be not quite solid, but something he could manipulate. “Here.” He said, running a hand along the finite limit before grabbing it to flip it around the axis. “You dropped a minus sign.”

 

When he looked over the triangle was right next to his face, his single eye wide. It grabbed both of Rick’s cheeks between his tiny, pattering hands. “You caught the negative.”

 

“Uh… Yeah.” He said a little awkwardly.

 

“ _No one_ catches the negative.” Then the triangle was gone but the hands were patting him down, searching. Jeeze this guy was getting touchy. “And I saw you portal in here.” He came back, both hands resting against Rick’s chest, floating and looking up at him with one big puppy dog eye. “Who _are_ you?” it asked, and even through the software or filter or whatever it was there was an unmistakable hint of awe.

 

Rick wasn’t too proud to admit his ego was getting seriously pet. “Name’s Rick.” He said with a smirk. “You?”

 

“Bill.” He blinked and was it weird that Rick kind of liked those eyelashes? “You know I’ve always had a thing for smart humans.” The avatar was drawing a finger down his chest.

 

Rick looked at it a little taken aback. But then again this guy clearly didn’t give a shit about the Zigerian simulation going to plan. A common enemy had been the beginning of some of his best flings. Who knew what was sitting on the other end controlling this thing, but he really didn’t care anyway. “Hey, are you up for something weird?”

 

He didn’t think Bill could sound any more chipper but he managed it, vibrating a little with the enthusiasm. “I _love_ weird!”

 

“We should totally mess with the Zigerians before I go! They hate nudity. It makes them super uncomfortable.”

 

Bill tipped a few centimeters to the side. “You’ve lost me.”

 

Rick rolled his eyes in exasperation but really starting to get excited at the idea. “Grow a mouth and blow me before I portal out of here! It’ll be hilarious.”

 

“You can make portals?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You could make a portal out of this dimension right now?”

 

“Duh doi. How else am I going- am I gonna get home?” Rick started to get frustrated. He had this conversation way too often. “Look, you’re getting distracted here. Dicks first. Portal second. Come on, make a mouth. It should be easy for someone like you.”

 

Bill floated back a few inches and pointed at his eye. “I have a mouth.” He closed his eyelids and they morphed into lips.

 

“Ha, ha! Gross.” Rick laughed. “I love it.” He scrambled to pull his fly open, making sure to give all the hidden cameras a generous view of his dick. “Come on you kinky little polygon, let’s to this!”

 

That big eye blinked at him. Even when it wasn’t a mouth the eye sort of gave an impression of smiling. There was a pink blush where cheeks might have been. “What did you call me?”

 

“O-oh you like that?” Rick laughed, starting to stroke himself. “I bet you do, you equilateral motherfucker.”

 

Bill floated a little lower, eyeing Rick’s hardening dick before blinking back up at him. “Almost right.” His eye couldn’t really smirk but his voice sure did.

 

“Oh?”

 

Bill pointed to each of his vertices in turn. “Sixty, fifty-eight, Sixty-two.”

 

“That’s some pretty nasty shit.”

 

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” The tiny black hands reached out to either side of the head of Rick’s dick and held it in position as the eyelids came together to form lips again. Rick groaned as they wrapped around his tip. It was warm and soft. “Don’t go soft on me now, friend.” The tinny voice sounded, apparently not at all impeded by its occupied mouth.

 

“I’ll show you how not soft I am.” Rick griped either edge of the triangle and pulled as he fucked into its mouth.

 

Two things happened.

 

First he hit… something. There was room to move but there was a definite something he was hitting. And it was worryingly spherical as far as he could tell.

 

Second, Bill had taken him all the way to the base and as great as that felt, shouldn’t there be some strain against his back? The guy was only about an inch thick. But there was nothing.

 

He wasn’t sure what to freak out about first.

 

“Fuck! Is that your eye?”

 

Bill kept moving, bobbing up and down on his length. There was still that mild suction and heat and wet and that un-ignorable curve to whatever cavity he was invading right now. “Of course it is. Did you think it would stop existing?” The voice was starting to sound a little strained.

 

“Kind of?” Rick groaned.

 

“Ha! Don’t get prude on me now, genius.”

 

“Ok second question,” Rick pushed the triangle flat against his crotch. He could feel where his dick should be but there wasn’t anything pushing back against his hand through Bills back. “Where the fuck is my dick?”

 

There were two ways Bill could answer that. The first being to do with physics and integration in to two-dimensional space-time. But the second was simpler. He moaned, “All the right places, buddy.”

 

“Shit! Are you getting- are you actually enjoying this?”

 

“Is that a problem?” One of those tiny hands was reaching back to toy with Rick’s balls.

 

“No, I love eyeholes.” Rick said dryly. He was starting to pant, leaning on the floating shape for support. “I guess I- I’m just surprised that’s not causing you agonizing pain or something.”

 

“And you were gonna do it anyway?” The voice wasn’t angry. It was impressed. “Now who’s kinky?”

 

“Haha, you caught me.” Rick was struggling to breathe. “You- You ever been with a human male before?”

 

“Sure I have.”

 

“Then you know what’s coming?”

 

“Oh boy! I sure do!” Bills hand slapped Rick’s flank. “DO IT!”

 

And Rick did, his knees feeling like jelly and Bill’s top corner stabbing uncomfortably into his stomach as he collapsed and spilled hot into Bill’s eye socket. With a groan he slid back, sitting on the ground while he recovered.

 

Bill floated down to watch him, a string of cum sliding white and sticky out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Oh shit.” Rick pointed at it weakly. “That’s so fucked up.”

 

Bill brought one of his tiny hands up to wipe it away. He looked at it on his fingers briefly before trying to flick it off by shaking his arm. When that didn’t work, a blue flame engulfed his arm. When it extinguished a moment later, he was clean again. Then he blinked back at Rick who was lying back looking dazed.

 

He floated up to Rick’s face and slapped at a cheek lightly. “Up and at ‘em! I’m not done with you yet.”

 

Rick groaned and sat up. “So- so how does this work? Do I calculate the shit out of your internal angles or…?”

 

“Maybe some other time, smart guy, but right now foreplay is over.” Bill picked up one of Rick’s wrists and positioned the hand back in front of his eye.

 

“Serious?”

 

“As a heart attack!”

 

“Oh God.” Rick winced as Bill guided his fingers around his eye, slipping under the lids. The sides of the socket were soft with some give, and as his hand rubbed against the walls Bill seemed to whimper and moan for him. As he stroked back and forth he could feel the slick of his own cum coating his knuckles.

 

It wasn’t really that hard to figure out. This wasn’t exactly Rick’s first foray into off-planet hook-ups. It was a lot like humans really. Just listen to the reactions and see what was working for your partner. Rick let his fingers spread wide, thumb sliding to the bottom side of the eye and Bill hissed, his hands grasping desperately at Rick’s wrist. One of his legs wrapped around his forearm and the other just sort of kicked out in time with the moans. Under his spread fingers, Rick could see as Bill’s vertical pupil darted around. “More!” Bill shifted back into that red fire monster for a moment. Rick moved his hand in an undulating wave motion, stroking his walls firmly, and Bill faded back to yellow with an ecstatic whine.

 

“Faster!” That tinny voice demanded and Rick obeyed watching in morbid curiosity to see how this would end. “Yes!” Bill shrieked. “So good, I- Ahhh!” Bill tensed around him, both the limbs on his forearm and the flesh around his fingers. He seemed to fade pink for a moment then slowly returned to normal as he came down.

 

Rick laid the triangle carefully against his knee and gingerly slipped his hand free. It was the first time Rick had seen him not floating. Bill arched back lazily over his leg, letting his limbs fall were they would. He gave a high-pitched, appreciative little moan before patting Rick’s shin. “You might be my new favorite human.”

 

“Glad to be somebody’s.” Rick said with a huff.

 

“So,” Bill wasn’t quite up to floating yet but he made the effort to sit up, supported by his hands on Rick’s knee behind his back. “How about you show me those portals then?”

 

“Yeah sure.” Rick said rummaging in his coat. “Where are you really? I’ll come pick you up.”

 

Bill flicked at his nose playfully. “Uh, right here, genius.”

 

“Haha.” Rick said sarcastically. Even relatively post coital, he found the joke annoying. “No really.”

 

“I,” Bill gestured to himself with both hands, then to where he sat, as if speaking to a child. “Am here. So where’s the portal?”

 

Rick was hurrying to stand and do up his fly. Bill only barely didn’t hit the ground as he caught himself to float up at the last moment. He really hoped Rick wasn’t the kind of smart that was also seriously crazy. That got old so fast.

 

“You asshole!” Rick yelled at him. “You were Zigerion this whole time?” Why else would the avatar be pretending to be real? “I fucking- I thought you were cool, man!”

 

Bill shifted again, this time to a looming specter of black out-lined in white. The voice software was twisted into something deep and horrifying. “WE HAD A DEAL, HUMAN! SHOW ME THE PORTAL.”

 

“Is that what this is about? Fuck you.” Rick spat grimly, pulling out his portal gun. “Fuck all of you!” He said to the sky as he pulled the trigger. For a brief moment there was a swirling green portal and Bill could almost taste his freedom. He dove for it but by the time he did, both it and Rick were gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who followed me over here from the fluffy CLAMP fics, can we pretend this never happened?


End file.
